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[My Soulful Soliloguy] [Jan. 1st, 2017|03:33 pm]
Vesperjade Arcanus

I'm sorry I couldn't be the friend that you needed me to be.
I'm sorry I spoke out of turn and betrayed confidences.
I'm sorry I played the judge, jury and executioner, when I should have just been a friend.
I'm sorry I took things too seriously, or not seriously enough.
I'm sorry I could not be the lover that you wanted.
Or the girlfriend that you thought I was.
I'm sorry for being too much and not enough all at once.
I'm sorry I ran away, I'm sorry I did what I did.
I'm sorry that I had to lose you, to learn how to be a better person.
I'm sorry it took me this long to learn what I should have known then.
I'm sorry for all the mistakes I've made thus far,
and will probably make in the future.
I can't turn back time to right all the wrongs,
but I can learn from my mistakes and move forward.

I forgive you too.
You did the best you could with what you had.
None of us were given a manual on how to be the perfect mom,
daughter, brother, sister, friend or lover.
We were all just learning as we went.
You were backed into a corner and just like me, you acted out of fear and confusion.
So I can't fault you for tripping and falling.
I fed the fire and lit the match,
but we both collected the kindling over time.
We did the dance and missed the steps now and then,
but it's time to let go and move on.
Otherwise, we'll just keep going in circles.
It's so much easier to hate than forgive.
And even harder to love.
But we must strive to break the cycle and love one another,
quirks, neurosis, flaws and all.
So know this, I love you.
Whoever and wherever you are.
You helped shape who I am today.
And for this, I am eternally grateful.

I'm tired of running and hiding.
I'm tired of pouring salt into old wounds.
I'm tired of living in the past - counting scars like the rings of a tree trunk.
I'm tired of straddling the line between love and hate.
It's time I push my roots into the ground, stand tall and branch out.

I'm not afraid to be alone with the monsters in my head anymore.
I know now that goodness is defined by how hard you fight against the bad.
I know that some days I will still stuggle to get out of bed.
But I'm not afraid of the future anymore.
Because I know everything will all work out.
The universe has a plan and all you have to do is believe.
I'm not afraid of the shadows anymore,
because my beacon is bright and fueled by love for myself and the world around me.

I'm always waiting for the perfect moment,
but I've come to realize, there is no such thing.
Rather, life is full of tiny little precious moments,
consisting of only seconds, minutes and hours.
In this way, life is like a delicate and beautiful flower.
One day it's there in all of it's glory.
And the next it's gone and a distant memory.
There is beauty in the fragility of life.
And life is complicated and magickal.
My heart is open to the ebb and flow of the universe and I am listening.

And on that note, this journal has been retired.
I no longer want to spew hate, or cry over the cards life has dealt me.
Instead, I want to spread love and positivity.
So consider this a goodbye.
If you need me, just follow the digital breadcrumbs and I'll be there . . .
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